The day of reckoning
It's 28th of August 2005. The day of reckoning for me and for many others who are fighting the 2005 National Taekwondo Tournament. I was still hesitating whether or not to fight today. I decided that I will wake up early in the morning, get ready all my belongings and head for the stadium and make up my mind later. So I reached the stadium late, worried that I would miss Lisa's match against Huixian. Fortunately, I made it just in time to watch the wonderful performance both fighters put up.

People were asking me if I was fighting, and my answer was a "I Dunno". Time passed and bouts went by 3 by 3. It was a rather worrying sight. I continued to hesitate from 9 am till 12 pm. I spoke to many people and asked for their opinion on whether I should fight or not. Generally, there were 2 groups of people.

1. The group that thinks that since I signed up, I should fight.
2. The group that thinks that fighting Men's Heavier Cat without much mental n physical preparation is suicidal.

I m to a small extend happy that 1 group thinks that I m capable of winning, but I m also happy that another group is honest and give me some sound advice. However, being the procrastinator that I m, I still couldn't make up my mind.

Yunping weighed the pros and cons of fighting to me, so did Shiyun. Seeing all the hype and raging hormones around me, the urge to fight started to overwhelm me. So under the persuasion of people, I decided to change into my Gi and warm up and think of whether or not to fight later. But as we all know, once we take the 1st step, that's it already. I went to warm up with Junhong, and I must say that my kicks were not too bad today though not the best. With more urges and pushes by various people, I started to psyche myself up for the upcoming tournament. One major obstacle standing in my path was that there were comments that my opponent is very strong. Indeed, he looked very scary with that shaved head of his and his not so Singaporean look.

Anyway, since I have decided to fight, I did some light warm up before going to register for the bout. I was not going to let him walk over me without a fight. So with my pathetic excuse for preparation, I strode towards the arena. Each feeling like the last steps of my impending doom. LOL..... very drama hor? I also think so... I spoke to my opponent Chady while waiting for the match, and found out that he was from London and has been in Singapore for less than 2 months. He was rather friendly and I learnt that he was supposedly going to take part in the University Games in London (sort of like IVP). This kinda worried me as that meant he was an experienced fighter. Anyway, it was too late to withdraw from the fight already, so there goes nothing....

I told myself that I was fast and that I m like the wind and that I was stronger than him. That's the usual thing I tell myself before a fight. Anyway, I played it cool in my 1st round as we were both testing each other's strengths and weaknesses. I took the initiative to attack and found that I was actually fast enough to connect the kicks, but my accuracy was rather off. It was a rather uneventful 1st round. The second round, I still wasn't in the right mind set and my opponent took the oppurtunity available and started to attack. I was caught unguarded as he kept attacking and pushing me back. Fortunately, his accuracy was just as bad as mine and most of his kicks did not score. However, I let my guard down and he went for my head and it scored. The kick made my already minimal confidence dropped to non-existent. I started to hesistate too much and not launch my kicks properly. I was actually thinking that if I had kicked, I would have scored that bugger too. But my nerves got the better of me. And that allowed him to score my head a couple of times more. In the end, it was a pathetic excuse for putting up a resistance against him.

I came out, feeling rather horrid with people asking me what I was doing inside the arena. I know that I could have done alot better and I could have won if I kept my calm. He wasn't all that good, just that he was more aggressive. I could only blame myself for thinking too much and not relaxing. If only... if only... if only....

All these excuses were too late. I feel rotten in a way that I disappointed many people, but most of all, I disappointed myself. I now realised y no one has ever approached me to coach them. It was because I just did not have that instinct or mentality to overcome problems. Who to blame but myself? The worst thing was that the fight I put up was pathetic. I was an easy target for him... The only thing good that came out of this was that I had minimal injuries with only a bruised ankle.

Anyway, I stayed and watched the rest of the matches and I was happy to see that Lizi, Audrey, Lisa, Yunping, Soo ee, Chee wei, Arif, etc... all put up an amazing fight. Audrey who has not accomplished much in previous tournament, pushed her way against all odds and eventually won the silver medal. I was proud of her for her determination and courage. I kinda hoped that I had that mental strength. Sigh.... Lizi and the others too did very well and brought glory back to the school.

With all these said, I feel an urge within me to improve on my skills. I do not want to hesitate both before and during a match and regret it after it is over. I want to improve my skills such that my future opponents will be the one hesistating whether to fight me or not. I want to improve my skills such that others will recognise that I m a good fighter. I want to make use of this feelings to overcome my mental barriers and improve my self confidence. I want to make use of this determination to lose weight and tone up. I want to lose the old me, and regain a new confident and well-loved me.

I hope that I can keep this will-power within me now going for a long time. I want to be seen in a totally different light and be respected. Hahaha... my mind is made up. From now on, I will not eat supper unnecessarily. I will make an effort to go running at least 1x a week, I will put my heart into training, I will go to the gym 1x a week, I will try to go blading on weekends if possible. I will... I will... I will... I must... I must.... I must.... I can... I can... I can...

Anyway, today was a good experience and a wake up call for me. History shall never repeat itself on me.

Some Shocking News
It was 8 am in the morning when my handphone went off. In my disorientated state, I read an sms about a friend, about someone passing away, about attending a wake. I thought that a friend's family member passed away and that someone was informing me that they would be attending the wake. With that, I slept till it was around 12 pm and I woke to start to do my projects and assignment. I reread the sms and found out that a JC aquaintance passed away yesterday. This shocked me as I did not expect someone my age to just leave like that. Actually, I have when a University friend of mine was knocked down by a car while cycling back to school.

Anyway, what really shocked me was that I found out he died due to suicide. Though the idea of death and released has passed through my mind before, I never really had that courage or insanity to commit it. Come to think of it, if I had the courage, it would be freaking scary if you are reading this updated blog of mine. So to someone who has the courage to jump off the top of the building without harness, I guess he was at his limits and had no idea where or who to turn to. But then, it doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

So, I met a few JC friends and paid our respects to him at the wake. We were not close to this guy, and we were all at a lost of words to say at the funeral. I did not feel particularly sad nor was I emotionless, just did not know wat to feel at that time. Maybe I m a beast in human skin. I dunno....

I realised that there were many people at the wake, mostly friends he made in primary, secondary, JC, Army and most of all University. In my mind I was thinking that he doesn't realise how fortunate he is that there are so many people that consider him as a friend and maybe more. Problems are not to be dealt alone, rather, they should be shouldered upon the backs of family and friends. Each of us carry the burden and sorrows not just of our own, but also that of others. However, problems of others will never bog us down, while our own problems are actually lighten with the presence of friends.

Anyhow, we all left for home after staying there staring into blank space for half an hour. It was a weird night. One that is to be remembered of a friend and not of his foolish acts.

Days of my life
It was Tuesday again, which meant training day. After a whole day of lessons and project discussion, I was finally geared to go for training. I was rather early and started to talk with shifu and some others who were like me(nothing to do). Lol... Anyway, we went through the standard stuff and I partnered with Lisa. She is a good partner who knows how to motivate me and at the same time correct my mistakes. Unfortunately for me, my determination is alittle faltering as I once again slacked at one corner. So time went by and I was rather envious that those that are fighting nationals are training so hard. I wished that I had the mental strength to overcome my fear of my opponent and actually train to battle. It was only when time was almost up that I decided to do some non-contact sparring with some guy from elsewhere. I think I did pretty ok, but not fantastic though. I know it wasn't a fair match as I was much lighter than him and my speed is faster than him. So though I felt great having at least a chance of scoring, I knew that this was not going to be the case during nationals itself. Dilemma.....................................................................................................................................



24th August 2005

I am starting to feel bogged down by all my work. I know that I have alot of catching up to do and that I have not been extremely productive. However, I have been meeting various groups of people everyday of the week to do projects, even Sundays. Some of them I enjoy, others I find to be a drag. This is especially the case for my M464 Design group. Things are just not progressing as I hoped to do due to 1) Difficulties in Communicating (1 China, 1 Indonesian, 2 Singaporeans) ; 2) Destructive Suggestions by the China guy. Omg.... super turn off....

All I know is that I sit down infront of my laptop, knowing that I have lecture notes to read through and tutorials to do, yet I m typing away at some project presentation slides as well as preparing for the next day's discussion material. I feel so burnt out.

In addition, my love life isn't that smooth sailing. I feel lonely and kinda tired. My roomie sensed this and we had a heart to heart talk tonite. I m very glad to have known Weiming as a friend who is willing to lend a listening ear even when I know he is dozing off. Hahaha.... Anyhow, I just hope that I will find that someone imperfect to complete my imperfect life so that we can one day become 1 perfect unity. :P

Ok, enough of my whining and complaining. I know there are people out there suffering more than I do and that they need more help. So I should just pick myself up and move on with life. I wan others to see me as the spark in their lives and not be the dull grey spot that tarnishes their memories. :)

21st August 2005
I was feeling rather bored for the past few days. No one was really available to ask me out or for me to ask out. Wanted to call a good friend of mine out, and so did she, but I guess our timings were pretty off. hahaha... Anyway, today i woke up feeling all tired despite sleeping at 11 pm the night before. I was actually hoping to just stay at home and laze around, but I had to meet 2 of my project mates to discuss on our assignment. But come to think of it, they were sort of entertainment to me during my dark hours of utter boredom. Hahaha...

Moving on, the day was pretty chilling and it was pretty nice sitting in a rather quiet coffee house, sipping coffee as i stared out of the window, seeing the raindrops run down the glass panel. I had the oppurtunity to do so as the 2 of them were late. So, our project discussion carried on as per norm, and it was rather nice that we were actually progressing forth. Somewhere during this period, we digressed to other topics and it turned out to a men's talk kinda thing. hahaha...

So after all that mind bogging work, we parted our ways and I went home to shower and got ready to leave and meet my JC friends. This was kinda like our weekly gathering cum sending off party for Yile who is flying off to China for an exchange programme. Thank goodness we were not meeting at AMK cause i juse returned from there. Anyhow, we did the usual shopping then headed for some place to have dinner. We crapped, we talked, we joked and we stoned, our usual way of spending time.

As we sat and talk, the topic of nationals came up. They were asking when I was fighting and I proclaimed that I wasn't fighting due to facing a national fighter in my 1st round. I understand the concerns involved in me not being prepared for this year's nationals yet writing my name down. However, 1 and a half months ago, I thought that I was capable of more than this. I thought I was able to put up a decent fight and maybe even progress forth in the competition. I would like everyone to take notice of me and actually treat me seriously than just a joke. Sigh, I trained hard for pattern for IVP, and I think that I m pretty average in the club, but no one ever noticed or thought highly of me. Hence this time round, I trained with Big Nic and I trained my backtrust back at home and in hall everyday. I was hoping that my training would be sufficient enough to help me. However, I guess I was wrong. Maybe my mentality is wrong and maybe I just don't have what it takes to excel in anything in life. I think I should just treat this as all a sport and a means of relaxation rather than as something competitive. I mean, I was never good to start of with no matter how hard I trained. Even during my peak, my skills were just mediocre.

Anyway, enough of me feeling inferior. I have 1 more week left. Either I throw in the towel now and forget about everything, or I pull my socks up and train extra hard these few days and hope that I don't get knocked out or break another bone. If my choice is the latter, my only aim is to do my best and hope to put up a decent fight. But for now, it's time that I sleep on the problem and wake up with a decision.

To Fight or Not to Fight.
I started to stray from my training, and lost focus somewhere. Everyone else improved while I deproved, and it did not feel good. I wanted to take part in this year's Nationals as a proof and acknowledgement that i can achieve more. So I signed up to fight, but then I lacked the training and skill at this moment. Everyone else taking part seems to be all hyped up and ready, except me. I thought that I may have the chance to redo my feat during IVP but, somehow something is not right. The feeling is missing. Then, the boutlist came out and my 1st opponent is gonna be 1 of 2 national fighters. I was advised not to fight either of them as I was likely to be badly injured. In terms of skill, I know I m not up to standard and I think it is best that I give up. But on the other hand, I do not like the feeling of giving up. Last friday, I fought with Jianfa during training and was totally demoralised when he constantly kicked my head while I was unable to retaliate. It just went to show how weak I really was and who was I to fight against national players.

Next week is the competition itself, and the question of whether to fight or not continues to linger in my ear. My mind is being rationale and telling me to just forfeit the match, while my heart is telling me to go for something i want and believe in. Who should I listen to??

Recap of my life in NTU TKD
I have been in NTU TKD for quite some time and I must say that I enjoy the sport and I enjoy some of the friends I have made over these 3 years.

In my 1st year, I was a novice who had no experience sparring and it was actually a big leap that I fought for the school during IVP. I trained hard, but my lack of experience was a hindrance and I think that I did pretty badly even though I got a silver medal (out of sheer luck). I cried on the day of the competition after fighting my final opponent. Everyone came up to me saying that I put up a great fight and that I should not be sad. Truth be told, it was not tears of sadness. Rather, it was tears of relieve, of accomplishment, of joy. I never expected to even go pass my first opponent, furthermore get a silver medal. My final opponent was so much stronger than I was and I was in so much pain that the notion of giving up halfway was so great. But my coach spurred me on and I fought the whole 3 rounds, which just pushed me over the edge. It was during this year, that I made many friends, some that I cherish alot, others I THOUGHT I cherished. But I guess it was a test for me to determine who were my real friends. I think it was my happiest time in the club, where everything look so innocent to me. Anyway, there was this event which made me very touched and that I would remember forever a long time to come. On my 21st birthday, there was actually an IVP training camp and that I expected myself to be training hard for the upcoming tournament. However, on the eve of my birthday, my good friends from JC actually came all the way from their homes all over Singapore to NTU campus with a birthday cake and celebrated that special day with me. I was completely overwhelmed and never really expected that they would do that. It was so out of the way for all of them and yet they remembered and made the effort. This goes to show the true meaning of friends.

Anyway, I got 1 year older and got more senior in the club. There were some things that happened during the 2nd year committee selection that kinda changed certain opinion of friends. Skipping that event, I focused alot more on training my skills and I think I improved alot during my 2nd year. I trained 4 days a week with various people and I actually believed that I would do alot better than the previous year during IVP. I guess I got my head stuck too high up in the clouds with comments from seniors saying that I should be able to make it pretty far in the competition. I got my friends to come down to support me during the tournament, but I failed to put up a good show and was knocked out by my 2nd opponent. It was so embarassing and a painful experience. I did so badly that my morale was at a complete low for weeks after that. By now, most of the friends I made in my 1st year have left the club. The number of friends around me started to dwindle and it did not help me at all. It took me quite some time to straighten out my thoughts.

Yet another year passed, and I told myself that I shall take things easy with life and not let things affect me. I came down, I trained, I went home. My interaction with people started to diminish and I felt lonely to a certain extent. It was during this year that I told a fellow friend of my attraction. However, things turned downhill ever since and our friendship seem to have failed the test of time and truth. At this junction, It was time to go for black belt grading and i felt that I have put in more effort than most people and have the standard. Feeling confident, I took the test and to my surprise, I failed miserably. That event completely shattered my passion and love for the sport. I kept everything to myself since then and hated things and people around me. Things did not improve. During this year's IVP, I was once again rejected from the Black belt pattern team. I felt that I put in consistent effort and have trained more than many of the others that made it into the squad. I did not think I was so imcompetent to that extent but, I was proved wrong. I was really at the rock bottom of my life. I did not feel like training, I did not feel like talking to anyone. I hated the world. The last time I shed my tears due to sadness was in Junior College year 1 and it was something I was not proud of. It was during this period that I once again shed my tears. I thought that I will never be so saddened for such a thing to occur, but it did. 2 months passed before I managed to pull myself out of the slumps. Even then, I was not the same person I used to be. I barely trained and did not want to fight for IVP that year. I just trained and kept to myself.

Eventually, it was time to make the decision whether to fight or not to fight. And I had mixed feelings, knowing that my emotions are still a wreck and my lack of training would put myself in danger versus the rush of adrenaline. It was a deal that if i fight will, a fellow friend of mine also fight that made me put my name down on the list. I wanted that friend of mine to actually take part in the tournament. So we trained, but even on the day of competition itself, I still had doubts of myself. Yunping, being my coach encouraged me and warmed up with me before my 1st match. I told myself that I shall treat the whole event as a game and just have fun in the arena. And surprisingly, I did alot better than everyone and I expected, got into the finals and eventually got a silver medal. I was happy that I made it so far and was thankful that my coach had faith in me despite me expressing feelings of giving up during my match against my 1st opponent. After all these hoo haa, I come to look at things and wonder if it was such a big deal. No one actually remembers me or thinks highly of me. Not even myself.

Final Year in NTU
With the moving in of hostel done, it was time for me to settle down and concentrate on my studies, or so I told myself. Indeed, I was very hard working for the 1st 2 weeks of the new semester, with me going for lectures, tutorials, and constantly e-mailing my FYP supervisor regarding the project. But as days passed, I find myself sleeping later at night and waking up later in the day. Hehehe...

Eventually, there are days where i completely missed most of the lessons and just stayed in my room to do my other stuff or meeting project mates up to discuss on the pending assignments. I hate being a slacker, but there are times where I fail to push myself to the limit. I know that I m not stupid and I know that I can accomplish more than just the current things, which is equals to noth, zilt, konok, duck egg, zero.

In addition, my current timetable is horrid. Due to my lack of self-discipline, i have managed to "da bao" or fail a few subjects in my course of study. Hence, when most of my friends are taking only 5 modules this semester and have tonnes of time to do their projects and still sit down for a drink, I have to cope with 8 modules with my Tuesdays & Wednesdays running from 830 to 630 with only 1 hour of break.

I wish I have the time to actually go out and exercise and enjoy myself. Anyway, I decided that I m going to work hard and catch up with my friends, at the same time enjoy my final year in school.