原來你 什麼都不想要
我知道這樣不好

也知道你的愛只能那麼少

我只有不停的要 要到你想逃

淚濕的枕頭曬乾就好

眼淚在你的心裡只是無理取鬧

以為在你身後 是我一輩子的驕傲

原來你什麼都不想要

我不要你的呵護 你的玫瑰

只要你好好久久愛我一遍

就算虛榮也好 貪心也好

哪個女人對愛不自私 不奢望

我不要你的承諾 不要你的永遠

只要你真真切切愛我一遍

就算虛榮也好 貪心也好

最怕你把沈默 當做對我的回答

原來你 什麼都不想要

缘分？
Do you believe in Fate and a Greater power???

I was never a strong believer of fate or faith. But something happened that made me doubt or question myself that. I ran into a fortune teller who offered to read my fortune. To me, I thought of it as a game and agreed. I was more sceptical than anything else. However, the teller told me things which shocked me.

(1) He said my health was not very good. I initially thought, most of the time thats wat they say. But he pointed out that my lower back has been in pain for a long time, and showed me the location of my problem. I was surprised by that, b'cos I have been having back problems for many years already and that the location he pointed out was exactly where the pain was. The pain isn't always there, but occurs enough times to cause me inconvenience.

(2) He said that my blood sugar level is high. Which again is spot on, cos I did a test and the doctor told me that. I have never told anyone else about the test results cos I thought that it wasn't important.

(3) He said my body don't react well to temperature changes. My body lacks fire and I get cold easily despite me being so fat and big sized. Very 准.

(4) I was having doubts about my career path. I don't feel happy doing wat I was doing, but he told me that the current path I m on is the right one. He said that he sees a bright future if I continue on my current path. This is true again, as I have always disliked my choice of study. And I have the thought of studying Physiotheraphy after completion of my degree. But this topic of career is doubtful lar, since most ppl are unhappy with their current jobs.

However, the things that he said later on really bothered me. He told me about my love life. He said that currently my heart is given to someone. But this someone is not the right person for me and even if I try to make things last, it will not last more than 3 years. Instead, he told me that I have a fated other half. According to him, this fated other half and me have been together for the past 3 life times, and this would be our 4th. Funny hor??? In my heart, I was laughing lor....

He told me that this person has just entered my life and is born on a certain date. To my surprise, I indeed met someone recently and that the person's birthday was the same as the date the fortune teller told me. I totally freaked out lor.... He then told me something even scarier. He said that our fate has started to bind this lifetime, and that we have 14 days to let our love blossom. If not, we will part as strangers, never to speak again after the 14th day. And if i missed this chance, I will have to suffer endless heart breaks. Scary right????

Anyway, I was still sceptical lar, but kept an open mind. Firstly, I do not have any feelings for this person who is supposed to be my fated one. I don't believe in loving someone at first sight. Secondly, I find the idea of loving someone in 14 days ridiculous. Thirdly, my heart is with someone else at the moment. Wouldn't I be a flirt if i fall for someone else just like that?

So.... I was rather stressed up by this issue. If say, I choose to be with my fated one, when i dun have any feelings... I think I m doing myself and the other person wrong. If say, I choose not to, then will it mean that I will be single for life and go through heart breaks? I know by me thinking this way, it is very selfish, but who don't want to be happy??

I thought things over and over, and I realise that I don't see myself with this fated person. I went to the Kwan Yin temple to ask for advice by drawing lots. To my surprise, the lot i draw tells me the exact same thing that the fortune teller told me. U think it is coincidence? But isn't it too much of a coincidence?

Anyhow, 14 days have passed. And I thought alot and came to a conclusion. No matter what happens, I choose my own path. If at the end of the day, I get hurt and remain single, it is my choice. I tell myself that, whatever that happens I don't want to regret. Things I decide today will affect me in future and the important things is not to live with regrets.

Think I learnt alot from this whole issue. I may not be the perfect person, neither will I make the right decisions everytime. But they are decisions that I make. I may still be a child when it comes to my mentality, but I m growing each day.

不要说抱歉
應該停止了想念　才可能快樂一點

無論是誰愛深誰愛淺　都已是過往雲煙

你太擅長對愛情冒險　讓我覺得不安全

於是心情開始疲倦　任性就說出再見

我們以為分手了 就能擁有自由的機會

你躲在別的愛浮沉 我在寂寞裡傷悲


你不要說抱歉　是我放你走遠

我們的愛像一種季節 冬天過了卻不是春天

在各自世界繼續沉澱 當地球轉到黑夜那邊

你有沒有夢見我的淚

This song has been running through my mind for some time... For almost a month already... Not for my Ex... But just something which I feel is rather meaningful

Ending things
Anyway, in my previous post, I mentioned the problems we had. It was hoping to resolve our differences after the exams, but the constant pressure I experienced just pushed me over the edge. I was unhappy during the period of time I m preparing for my Project and exams. I was bothered so much that I felt myself on the verge of breaking down.

So I decided that this wasn't what I wanted. During one of the blading sessions, Shujuan asked me if I was ok. I told her I was not and that I feel stressed out. She told me that whatever the decision, she will be there for me. Then she said something funny. "You still young, can find another one." Hahaha... I thought ya hor... but then again... I not that young le. Turning 25 in a few more months.

Worse of all, I not handsome. Don't have good figure... Not rich.... Not funny... The only thing I can offer to others is my sincerity and my care. If it is not enough for others, I also don't know what more le. Maybe wait till i become millionaire, go for plastic surgery, make myself look like.... hmm.... David Beckham... That time got money, got looks... Maybe got ppl throw themselves at me... wahahaha....

In the end, I chose to end things with "C". It did not make me feel any better to be the one to initiate things, cos it made me feel like a bitch. I felt guilty, yet at the same time relieved. There was alot of anger in "C" when I initiated things, and I can understand. It was a rather rough time in my life.

But for now, I m still me.

Updates
It's been a long 5 months since I updated my blog. Alot of things happened over these 5 months and I dun really know where to start or what to write about. Anyway, I have learnt alot over these months, may it be good or may it be bad.

Let's see....

We shall start off in 29th December 2005. This is the day I got officially attached to "C". Things were sweet as always and I would say I was happy. We spent alot of time together and often go for meals and movies. It was the 1st time I felt that this could work out and I was prepared to eventually introduce "C" to my friends. My friends could see the glow in my face.

Things went smoothly over the couple of months, till my exams started to draw close. It was somewhere in Feb that I started to feel really tied down. I have been training alot for IVP2006, having to undergo at least 3 trainings a week and having my Final year project due. The stress really got to me. I always thought that having someone there for you would relieve the stress, but somehow it wasn't as I expected. Everytime after getting back to my room after training, I would get so tired. The training really took my mind off of things during this period, but having to go back at 10pm to shower and then wash clothes was a chore. By the time I could sit down in front of my desk to do some work, it was close to 1 am. I really did not have the energy to talk to "C". I know I was being unfair, as we barely spend much time together during that month. We barely talked cos I guess it was my fault. But I did not really want to entertain the thought of chatting over the phone for an hour. My temper was short and I guess "C" had too much time.

I tried explaining to "C" that I needed to concentrate more on my work and other stuff and can't split my time. Initially, "C" said it was understandable and told me to carry on. But I guess it was not the case. There is a sense of insecurity in "C" and demand for my attention started to kick in.

Issues that bugged me
(1) I stayed in hostel during the week days and "C" stays in Pasir Ris. It is not feasible to travel to meet. "C" sometimes demands that I meet even though I can't.

(2) There is a constant need to chat over the phone, be it Day or Night. "C" would sometimes sms me and ask can we talk when it is known that I was having lessons.

(3) We have very little topics in common or interests in common. I like doing things sponstaneously and I like doing things like KTV, Blading, going out. But "C" prefers to stay home and watch DVDs.

(4) We have different taste in food, in the sense that I love seafood but not so for "C". I like going to eat local stuff like at hawker centres and cheap but good food. "C" prefers to go restaurants. It is good that "C" financially stable but I do not like things be paid for me. I don't like the idea of being provided for in a relationship.

I was so bothered by everything that I told "C" that we should take a break from things and let me concentrate on my exams and projects first. I did not feel good at all when I said this, but I guess it was more unpleasant for "C". I could feel the hurt and the anger through the phone and we ended on a rather sour note. I don't really blame "C". In fact, I think it is mainly my fault. I won't find excuses for myself, but maybe I have been single for too long that I do not know how to love anymore. Sad isn't it?

Anyway, I have been single since and I do enjoy the freedom. Yet sometimes u still yearn for something more. I did not contact "C" for more than a month and neither did "C" contact me. I guess I m on the blocked list on the MSN. Can't say that I don't deserve it. However, on the 11th of May, it was "C" birthday and I just drop an sms to wish happy birthday. I was rather surprised that there was a reply. At least now that we are on a more peaceful mood, we managed to chat alittle. Not much but just enough to know that there isn't any bad blood between us. It is sad to know that we did not last long, or shd I say I did not last long. But I truly don't see the 2 of us together 10 years down the road, if we can't even survive the 1st 6 months.