Journey

Tagged.....

2007-05-11T06:30:00.000+08:00

I've been tagged by HuiShi to do this....
These are the rules: Each player of this game starts out by giving 6 weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write in their blog 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you have to choose 6 people to do this.

1. Like Huishi, when i like a song, i put it on repeat mode. My ex roomie, weiming can testify this. He was so fucking pissed at one point in time when i have the same song playing on my laptop all day, in the car, on my handphone ringtone. He was literally complaining to other ppl abt my unusual music habits. So i guess it is not an exclusive thing....

2. I am a very anti-social person. I am very selective about the people I consider friends. It takes a long time to earn my trust.

3. I don't like to drink ice water. I find ice water very hard to consume. Something about the taste of ice water or the feel to it, but I prefer warm water. The funny thing is that most other beverages I prefer them to be cold. Like ice milo, pokka green tea. Sigh.... I miss my pokka green tea. The green tea in the USA all taste like some kind of lemon tea or fruit tea, but is labelled as green tea... WTF....

4. I shit alot... hahaha... Must do thing in the morning is shit. Sometimes i can shit 3 times in 30 mins in the morning. If I consume food, I usually want to shit immediately after eating or I will feel very uneasy or uncomfortable. Dunno y i shit so much, still so fat.... Damn it....

5. I cannot play 1st player games like Doom, Counter Strike etc.... Because I got motion sickness and it is so sever it only takes 5 - 10 mins for me to start throwing up.

6. I like shopping in the supermarket. Sometimes i get so bored and i go to super market just to walk around. For me, it is not so much liking to shop there but, at least i know if i have the urge to spend money, the things at the super market are things i m likely to use or eat. As compared with shopping for clothes, I dun wan to regret buying clothes on impulse and cannot wear at end of the day. In singapore, got NO return policy like USA ok?

hahah... anyway, i think i got some really weird habits and things. So u reading my blog, stop laughing.... Later u got internal bleeding. Now have to think of people to tag, so troublesome. Aiyah make it easy lar... those of u reading my blogs all auto tag urselves. hahaha...

but if i really have to.... let me see:

1. David
2. Shiyun
3. Shujuan
4.

The Great Voyage Chapter 2

2007-05-09T03:35:00.000+08:00

Anyway, on our second day of arrival, we had a city tour and these are some of the pictures that we took. As u can see, 16 hours of flying make all of us look crappy, or at least me. Look like ghost in the photos. =P

Alright the small little island and the building on it is the infamous Prison Alcatraz... No chance to go visit, but will do so in future.

The Golden Gate Bridge taken on top of the peak. It is not as nice as it is supposed to look because it is a foggy day.

Supposedly the windiest road in the world. It is quite scary driving down this road as the turns are so sharp that people are literally just crawling down this slope. Quite stupid hor? a bunch of cars queuing up to go down a slope. Hahahaha.... feel so touristy...

Ok... I like this view, it is a skyline shot of part of San Francisco taken from the Coit tower Peak. As u notice, everything seems white and very nice. I like the Cathedral that is standing in the foreground, very majestic and calming.

That's it for this episode of the Great Voyage... Stay tuned for more infomercial....

The Great Voyage Chapter 1

2007-05-08T06:55:00.000+08:00

Anyway, after my long awaited wait, I finally bid farewell to my family and friends on the 31st of March 2007. I have embarked on my journey to a foreign land to experience the life of a different country. I was surprised by the number of friends who turned up at the airport to send me off. The flight was 6 am in the morning and i had to be there by 3.30 am. Yet, my secondary friends, my dnd gang, 1st 3 months JC class, my University friends, and my ee jang team came to send me off. It was not an easy farewell, as I thought it might have been. Seeing my parents and sister cry, I felt I had to be strong and survive the next 18 months.

The flight to the USA was very painful. The seats were narrow and uncomfortable and the hours were very long. 16 hours of flying is not a fun thing to do. Anyway, the hotel is nice and all but the area that I am working in is not the most convenient place in the world. People here are very inefficient and rude at times. Now i really appreciate wat Singapore is really like. Things get done so much faster back home.

The Great Unknown

2007-03-28T18:31:00.000+08:00

4 Months ago, I might have been excited to go Overseas for my training and job. In fact, I was ready to pack and leave just like that then. Now as I am about to embark on my adventure, the excitement start to wane and I am more in a panic mode cause I have no idea what to bring and how situation will be like.

To make things worse, I have yet to receive my allowance for the agency. Apparently, they "overlooked" the issue and it was after emails and phone calls did they get back to me, saying that it will be transferred to us earliest by friday.... WTF... I m flying off on friday.

This meant that I have no money to bring over and I have yet to finish buying all the things I need. Seriously, the administrative system sucks big time... No wonder, we are still stuck in a whirlpool of deceit. We are constantly being fed the idea that we are so efficient and the best in the world, but are we? So damn not.... wait till u dig the layers up one by one and u see how ugly the people and system are...

Oh well.... 2 more days and I m gone from here. Sad? Yes I am... I am leaving alot of things behind. I have been literally catching up and eating with friends almost every single day. It is always good to see old friends and everyone seems happy for me. I wish I had alittle more time... I need extra time and money to sort out my issues.

I will be back in Singapore soon... 1 and half years isn't that long but it is not short too... Visit me ppl... I need moral support... haha... very drama right? Oh well....

IVP 2007

2007-03-28T05:34:00.000+08:00

It's been quite awhile since I last blogged, guess all the training and dating is getting to me. Finally, I have some decent space and time to sit and write.

After months of grueling training, frustration and emotional agony, the competition came and left. For me, it was my first time being part of the pattern competition. Never had I been in a pattern team, neither have I been an AI. Guess, the club never thought of me as a pattern person or maybe I downright sucked. Hahaha.... I must say, it is an experience I will never forget lar...

I was just as nervous as my members as I was giving command in front of so many people. Normally, I talk quite loud lar and with ease, but having the focus on me and the team is very stressful.... While I was trying to psyche my team up, I was like panic mode.... how? what if I shout wrongly or not loud enough that they never hear? Hahaha...

Nonetheless, my team went up and performed and I felt that they did good during the semi-finals. Timing and "seh" was there, strength was there and I can tell they are giving all their best. At that point in time, I was quite confident that we would be the top 2 teams during the semi-finals but when the results came out, we were at a measly 4th, behind some of the CMI teams (N....S). Oh well, I noticed HS and WT face look so stressed and depressed. Ruth was there too and everyone was just purely shocked. Only Jimmy maintained a more positive outlook. All I could do was just try to mentally motivate them. Honestly, I felt that only S....M was on par with us during the semis. But things turn out funny.

Oh well... after all the motivation to them and I myself being consoled by lots of TKD ppl, I felt that it is really a finale for us. Whether 4th or 1st, we are in the finals and that mattered the most. It meant we had 1 more fighting chance and 1 more chance to prove to ppl that we are the champions. We practiced and perked up and went down to gather. All the while i kept psyching HS, Jimmy and WT, made them practice their counting. And this time I was very confident to say that their pattern this time round was so much so much better than they have ever done. Timing was good, strength was good, execution was good and the aura of death of the best. I know they know it too and I know they have done it. None of the other teams really came close to us.

But the results came as a shock again. NTU Eejang Team 1 came in 5th, which was a shocker. We came in 2nd with S....M coming in 1st. It was very obvious that S...M dun deserve the gold, but like some ppl say, pattern is subjective and also they are trying to distribute the medals for better participation for subsequent years.

Anyway, I was really proud of my team and I could tell from their faces that they were super relieved and happy. The underdogs have come through at the end of day... They were not the hot favourites from day 1, yet their fighting spirit really proved that no matter what happens, they will never be beaten.

I personally think that the 4 of them have great potential if they train hard in TKD. I can see HS in Chil Jang and also in sparring, WT in O Jang, Jimmy in O Jang and sparring, while Ruth in sparring. All of them have good foundation and a strong mental strength. In fact, I can foresee them coaching as AIs in future.

In addition, I got to know some wonderful people.

I never really knew Candace much apart from the fact she was Nic's GF. But I realise she is very strong in character and have great determination. From a girl who did not really enjoy sparring till where she stood and fought a tough match in the arena, she have really improved greatly. Candace, do not shed ur tears because of failure, but shed them because u have done the best and have come a long way to achieve what u are today.

Jiamin is an amazing girl who can juggle multiple task at the same time. School and being a JAI and one that is so responsible. I can safely leave a task to her and she will accomplish it. Really a great help to me and Candace when we both are busy with things. Furthermore, her pattern is good and have very good potential as AI in future. Just need to be more firm though, dun be like tou fu nuah nuah one.... hahaha...

Sky... dunno what to say except always come out stunt. Honestly, I was pretty pissed with his attendance or shd i say lack of attendance. But, he did come down when he could and helped out every now and then. Life in JCRC is tough I understand and it is not easy to handle so many things at once, but always keep ur word if u give it. That's the motto I believe in life. Hope it means something to those who sees this.

Veron... Smart and tough girl. Reminds me alot of Xin you when she was in year 1. Was picked to join a group of seniors in Chil Jang Pattern team. Which meant lots of things to catch up with the others. More hard work and determination. More commitment and pain and emotional rides. I could see her hard work to perfect her pattern and be part of the team. I could also see her effort she put into sparring and as a responsible member of the committee. It was sad to have to make her decide whether to stay as a JAI, but I felt it would be alot better for her. Not very good to get burnt out so early in University. Girl, take things easy ok? No need to fight to do everything in life. Find the correct pace and enjoy the scenery, u will go further and take in more if u give urself time.

Ok lar... I better stop my nagging.... later people call me naggy old man again... very sad lei... I got so old mah?

Ee jang team 2, Have faith in the wings that you have given yourself and soar the skies of heaven proudly.

Ee-jang outing at KBox

2007-02-08T00:38:00.000+08:00

Our Ee-jang Pattern team outing at KBox Clementi. =) Great time to relax from all the stress that built up over these couple of weeks. Hope this will boost their morale bah. Remember we fight as a team, we play as a team. Ee-jang Sa!!!!!

Pattern Team Training

2007-02-07T01:23:00.000+08:00

It has been 4 weeks since we formed Ee-jang team 2. Initially, there were lots of problem in recruiting members for the team and it really took us alot of effort to get things going. There were comments by some people, saying that Ee-jang team 1 has stronger members and undeniably, these comments did bother me alittle. However, I also believe that I am capable of training a successful pattern team and that my members were in fact just as good if not better than that of team 1.

I mean, during selection, there were people in my team that I wanted to recruit, but was told that they were chosen to be in other teams. Hence, I left them out. But it turned out that they were not, so.... I guess fate went round in circles and we are back where we started.

I know that not everyone was very willing to be in pattern team and it took alot of persuasion from Candace and me to get them to finally agree. But, right now we are a team. Regardless of whether we are going to win a medal or not, we are a team. Yet, somehow I feel that the drive and the team spirit is alittle lacking. The drive to accomplish a gold medal seems to be waning with each training.

I admit that it is impossible to maintain focus throughout every training and for the full duration, but it is really really ridiculous if the trend goes on indefinitely. My temper is getting from bad to worse with each training and I really don't want to lose it. It doesn't help the team, it doesn't help me, it doesn't help the morale. Yet, I find that the team is not progressing as I expected.

Individually, the members all have their flaws and good points. But when you put them together, the flaws seem to outweigh the good. I just want to have a productive and fast training, start early and end early. But cannot....

I nag and nag and repeat myself so many times, they do the pattern over and over again so many times. Don't they feel tired? Can't we just complete this once and for all??? Sigh... sian u know???

I starting to doubt whether I am a good AI and whether I am doing the right thing. Honestly, my social life is so screwed right now and my timing is so messed up. Yet, I have attended every single training and doing my best for the team le. Is it that I am lousy??? I feel disappointed in a certain sense.

Not that I am saying that no one is putting in effort. I can tell who is putting in the effort and who is not. It is very distinct when someone is wandering off in space. You can also tell who is trying their best at every single set. Don't they feel guilty that their team members are giving their all, while they themselves are not?

Honestly, I saw minimal improvement in the team. Most of them are remaining stagnant or deproving. This is really disheartening....

Ee-jang!!! Can u all prove to me and to the others that u all are the best? I have faith in u guys and i know u all can do it. Just trust in me can???? Trust in urselves can???? No use only me and Candace throwing all we can in, but not receiving any response. Mentally very exhausting for us u know?

Ee-jang are u ready???

看我们 Ee-Jang Pattern 最美
看我们 Ee-Jang Front Thrust 惊人
看我们 members 前凸后跷
Ee-jang, Sa!
Ee-jang, Sa!
Ee-jang, Ee-jang, Sa! Sa! Sa!

Transition Elements

2007-02-06T05:37:00.000+08:00

It has been almost a year since I have graduated and am still jobless, technically. Well, have been confirmed by EDB to go to San Francisco to work and undergo training for 1.5 years. And I was actually looking forward to it. However, the long wait for confirmation of visa and all the administration is taking its toll on me.

The most irritating thing is the departure date. Originally set to leave on the 26th March, the company request us to start work on 5th march. Due to the initial schedule, i decided to help out in this year's IVP as a pattern AI. The sudden news of me having to leave earlier than expected killed my morale and I felt bad that I would be leaving my team so soon.

Anyway, this issue bugged me for some time. Till one of my future colleagues polled and the 5 of us decided to write in to request for a delay in the start date. Our request was denied at first, but after much persistence, they allowed us to start 1 month later. =)

This is a really pleasant news, since I get to be part of this year's IVP.

TKD Convocation Photos

2006-08-12T13:53:00.000+08:00

Big Nicholas & me. Glad to have known this yan dao for these few years. He has been a great friend, mentor and coach to me. Taught me alot of things regarding Taekwondo and sparring. Really enjoyed the sparring sessions we had. (^^,)

Clarissa & me. She super steady siah, like buddy like that. On until ask me put my arms around her. hahaha....

Jiamei & me. Great friend but alittle too shy lar... Must be more pro-active. hehehe...

Chee Wei & me.

Aileen & me

原來你什麼都不想要

2006-05-23T06:23:00.000+08:00

我知道這樣不好

也知道你的愛只能那麼少

我只有不停的要要到你想逃

淚濕的枕頭曬乾就好

眼淚在你的心裡只是無理取鬧

以為在你身後是我一輩子的驕傲

原來你什麼都不想要

我不要你的呵護你的玫瑰

只要你好好久久愛我一遍

就算虛榮也好貪心也好

哪個女人對愛不自私不奢望

我不要你的承諾不要你的永遠

只要你真真切切愛我一遍

就算虛榮也好貪心也好

最怕你把沈默當做對我的回答

原來你什麼都不想要

缘分？

2006-05-15T05:18:00.000+08:00

Do you believe in Fate and a Greater power???

I was never a strong believer of fate or faith. But something happened that made me doubt or question myself that. I ran into a fortune teller who offered to read my fortune. To me, I thought of it as a game and agreed. I was more sceptical than anything else. However, the teller told me things which shocked me.

(1) He said my health was not very good. I initially thought, most of the time thats wat they say. But he pointed out that my lower back has been in pain for a long time, and showed me the location of my problem. I was surprised by that, b'cos I have been having back problems for many years already and that the location he pointed out was exactly where the pain was. The pain isn't always there, but occurs enough times to cause me inconvenience.

(2) He said that my blood sugar level is high. Which again is spot on, cos I did a test and the doctor told me that. I have never told anyone else about the test results cos I thought that it wasn't important.

(3) He said my body don't react well to temperature changes. My body lacks fire and I get cold easily despite me being so fat and big sized. Very 准.

(4) I was having doubts about my career path. I don't feel happy doing wat I was doing, but he told me that the current path I m on is the right one. He said that he sees a bright future if I continue on my current path. This is true again, as I have always disliked my choice of study. And I have the thought of studying Physiotheraphy after completion of my degree. But this topic of career is doubtful lar, since most ppl are unhappy with their current jobs.

However, the things that he said later on really bothered me. He told me about my love life. He said that currently my heart is given to someone. But this someone is not the right person for me and even if I try to make things last, it will not last more than 3 years. Instead, he told me that I have a fated other half. According to him, this fated other half and me have been together for the past 3 life times, and this would be our 4th. Funny hor??? In my heart, I was laughing lor....

He told me that this person has just entered my life and is born on a certain date. To my surprise, I indeed met someone recently and that the person's birthday was the same as the date the fortune teller told me. I totally freaked out lor.... He then told me something even scarier. He said that our fate has started to bind this lifetime, and that we have 14 days to let our love blossom. If not, we will part as strangers, never to speak again after the 14th day. And if i missed this chance, I will have to suffer endless heart breaks. Scary right????

Anyway, I was still sceptical lar, but kept an open mind. Firstly, I do not have any feelings for this person who is supposed to be my fated one. I don't believe in loving someone at first sight. Secondly, I find the idea of loving someone in 14 days ridiculous. Thirdly, my heart is with someone else at the moment. Wouldn't I be a flirt if i fall for someone else just like that?

So.... I was rather stressed up by this issue. If say, I choose to be with my fated one, when i dun have any feelings... I think I m doing myself and the other person wrong. If say, I choose not to, then will it mean that I will be single for life and go through heart breaks? I know by me thinking this way, it is very selfish, but who don't want to be happy??

I thought things over and over, and I realise that I don't see myself with this fated person. I went to the Kwan Yin temple to ask for advice by drawing lots. To my surprise, the lot i draw tells me the exact same thing that the fortune teller told me. U think it is coincidence? But isn't it too much of a coincidence?

Anyhow, 14 days have passed. And I thought alot and came to a conclusion. No matter what happens, I choose my own path. If at the end of the day, I get hurt and remain single, it is my choice. I tell myself that, whatever that happens I don't want to regret. Things I decide today will affect me in future and the important things is not to live with regrets.

Think I learnt alot from this whole issue. I may not be the perfect person, neither will I make the right decisions everytime. But they are decisions that I make. I may still be a child when it comes to my mentality, but I m growing each day.

不要说抱歉

2006-05-15T05:14:00.000+08:00

應該停止了想念　才可能快樂一點

無論是誰愛深誰愛淺　都已是過往雲煙

你太擅長對愛情冒險　讓我覺得不安全

於是心情開始疲倦　任性就說出再見

我們以為分手了就能擁有自由的機會

你躲在別的愛浮沉我在寂寞裡傷悲

你不要說抱歉　是我放你走遠

我們的愛像一種季節冬天過了卻不是春天

在各自世界繼續沉澱當地球轉到黑夜那邊

你有沒有夢見我的淚

This song has been running through my mind for some time... For almost a month already... Not for my Ex... But just something which I feel is rather meaningful

Ending things

2006-05-15T05:02:00.000+08:00

Anyway, in my previous post, I mentioned the problems we had. It was hoping to resolve our differences after the exams, but the constant pressure I experienced just pushed me over the edge. I was unhappy during the period of time I m preparing for my Project and exams. I was bothered so much that I felt myself on the verge of breaking down.

So I decided that this wasn't what I wanted. During one of the blading sessions, Shujuan asked me if I was ok. I told her I was not and that I feel stressed out. She told me that whatever the decision, she will be there for me. Then she said something funny. "You still young, can find another one." Hahaha... I thought ya hor... but then again... I not that young le. Turning 25 in a few more months.

Worse of all, I not handsome. Don't have good figure... Not rich.... Not funny... The only thing I can offer to others is my sincerity and my care. If it is not enough for others, I also don't know what more le. Maybe wait till i become millionaire, go for plastic surgery, make myself look like.... hmm.... David Beckham... That time got money, got looks... Maybe got ppl throw themselves at me... wahahaha....

In the end, I chose to end things with "C". It did not make me feel any better to be the one to initiate things, cos it made me feel like a bitch. I felt guilty, yet at the same time relieved. There was alot of anger in "C" when I initiated things, and I can understand. It was a rather rough time in my life.

But for now, I m still me.

Updates

2006-05-13T05:15:00.000+08:00

It's been a long 5 months since I updated my blog. Alot of things happened over these 5 months and I dun really know where to start or what to write about. Anyway, I have learnt alot over these months, may it be good or may it be bad.

Let's see....

We shall start off in 29th December 2005. This is the day I got officially attached to "C". Things were sweet as always and I would say I was happy. We spent alot of time together and often go for meals and movies. It was the 1st time I felt that this could work out and I was prepared to eventually introduce "C" to my friends. My friends could see the glow in my face.

Things went smoothly over the couple of months, till my exams started to draw close. It was somewhere in Feb that I started to feel really tied down. I have been training alot for IVP2006, having to undergo at least 3 trainings a week and having my Final year project due. The stress really got to me. I always thought that having someone there for you would relieve the stress, but somehow it wasn't as I expected. Everytime after getting back to my room after training, I would get so tired. The training really took my mind off of things during this period, but having to go back at 10pm to shower and then wash clothes was a chore. By the time I could sit down in front of my desk to do some work, it was close to 1 am. I really did not have the energy to talk to "C". I know I was being unfair, as we barely spend much time together during that month. We barely talked cos I guess it was my fault. But I did not really want to entertain the thought of chatting over the phone for an hour. My temper was short and I guess "C" had too much time.

I tried explaining to "C" that I needed to concentrate more on my work and other stuff and can't split my time. Initially, "C" said it was understandable and told me to carry on. But I guess it was not the case. There is a sense of insecurity in "C" and demand for my attention started to kick in.

Issues that bugged me
(1) I stayed in hostel during the week days and "C" stays in Pasir Ris. It is not feasible to travel to meet. "C" sometimes demands that I meet even though I can't.

(2) There is a constant need to chat over the phone, be it Day or Night. "C" would sometimes sms me and ask can we talk when it is known that I was having lessons.

(3) We have very little topics in common or interests in common. I like doing things sponstaneously and I like doing things like KTV, Blading, going out. But "C" prefers to stay home and watch DVDs.

(4) We have different taste in food, in the sense that I love seafood but not so for "C". I like going to eat local stuff like at hawker centres and cheap but good food. "C" prefers to go restaurants. It is good that "C" financially stable but I do not like things be paid for me. I don't like the idea of being provided for in a relationship.

I was so bothered by everything that I told "C" that we should take a break from things and let me concentrate on my exams and projects first. I did not feel good at all when I said this, but I guess it was more unpleasant for "C". I could feel the hurt and the anger through the phone and we ended on a rather sour note. I don't really blame "C". In fact, I think it is mainly my fault. I won't find excuses for myself, but maybe I have been single for too long that I do not know how to love anymore. Sad isn't it?

Anyway, I have been single since and I do enjoy the freedom. Yet sometimes u still yearn for something more. I did not contact "C" for more than a month and neither did "C" contact me. I guess I m on the blocked list on the MSN. Can't say that I don't deserve it. However, on the 11th of May, it was "C" birthday and I just drop an sms to wish happy birthday. I was rather surprised that there was a reply. At least now that we are on a more peaceful mood, we managed to chat alittle. Not much but just enough to know that there isn't any bad blood between us. It is sad to know that we did not last long, or shd I say I did not last long. But I truly don't see the 2 of us together 10 years down the road, if we can't even survive the 1st 6 months.

True Lies

2005-12-12T23:17:00.000+08:00

Everyday in our life, we come across many decisions to make. Often the most common problem that we face is whether to tell the truth or to forge a lie. In most cases, truths are hurtful, while lies, no matter how innocent they may seem, are the most blatant truths. If I said that I have never lied in my life, then I would be lying to you right now, but there is an extent in which 1 would lie. I really do not wish to judge someone else by the things that they say, but it is difficult for me not to. And honestly speaking, I hate it when people lie to me.

Anyway, the story goes. My ex (referred to in this instance as A) and I have not been in contact for a long time. That is until we met on MSN oneday and started to talk. It was all very casual and nothing particularly scandalous. But somehow the topic came about to whether we were seeing other people at the moment. I said I was not, which was true, while A avoided the question initially. I assumed that A was from the answers, however, A denied. A very confident "NO, means NO" was the reply I received. It shouldn't mean anything and it did not to me back then. Things were left as they were since my exams were just round the corner.

So my exams were finally over, and I started to do things that I have missed out during the past 2 months. I caught up with old friends, read some of my friend's blogs and found out stuff. And we started talking again since the last time. So it happened that A was supposed to be in the school pageant and asked me to vote, which I did as a favour. Then, the funny thing happened. I received a message from some unknown person B through my mail. Initially, I was like thinking, why would some unknown person message me asking if I knew A. Anyway, out of courtesy I decided to respond to the message. So there were a few exchange of mail and it turns out that B was A's bf and that they have been together for over a year. Those words shocked me and I just realised that A had been lying to me.

And I guess that I was not the only one being lied to. Apparently, B was not encouragous of A joining the pageant, and decided to find out whether A had been unfaithful to him. I guess, to a certain extend that B should not be checking up on A for it is a blatant display of distrust. But B had been suspicious of A for quite some time. So B started to ask me more about me and A and some other stuff. I was very reluctant to tell B anything, for 1. I do not know him well at all.
2. A and I were afterall friends and I do not want to be a backstabber. Thus, I told B to tell me what he knew of A and of me, and I would compare A's story and my own. I may not tell B what I know, but at least it is a way for me to judge A's character. Sad to say, there were many lies A told to B, and there were many lies A said to me. A now thinks that I have been a back stabber and trying to ruin their relationship, which I did not and m not.

I m utterly disappointed by all these. For 1, A has been lying not only to me but also to B. I m not related to A in any way and lying to me shdn't affect me. But the fact that A lied to B. I mean flirting behind someone's back while in a relationship just makes you a whore. No one is appreciative of that, and worst of all, when found guilty of the deeds, you actually have the guts to point your fingers at someone else who is an innocent by-stander. Go to hell you Whore!!! From what I have seen so far, B may be overly protective and is on the jealous side, but he has spent alot of effort trying to maintain this relationship and you go around like a social butterfly and lying to the people around. Who do you think you are to treat people the way you did? I seriously hope you go to hell.

Anyway, as angry as I m, I think I m fortunate to find out the truth behind the facade that you have put up. You may want to protect yourself and be the centre of attraction, but the number of people you hurt along the way is amazing. It's ok for what goes around wil come around. I wish you the best of luck for you will need it.

Something I yearned for, but when it came.....

2005-12-03T23:37:00.000+08:00

The past month had been a torturous one, with all the exams and projects due dates coming up. I was so stressed and burnt out during this period and I so look forward for the end of exams and a chance for me to catch a breath. In my 24 years of life, I must say that this semester was the most painful one. I have never in my life felt so dead. Anyway, I yearned for the coming of the holidays, but somehow when it came, it wasn't what I expected.

Everyone is progressing along with their FYP, and I was supposed to be doing the same. But the logistics issues that kept me from doing my project during the semester continued to plague me. There are so many ppl involved in this project that I have to depend on the outcome of another person in order to kick start. However, the other ppl are not doing their work properly and I feel kinda like an idiot hanging in mid air.

Well... the exams ended on the 24th of November and I was feeling happy partially becos all the crappy mugging is over, but also becos in 6 days, I would turn 24 years of age. So I chose to take things slightly lighter that week, doing some work, relaxing and just hang out. On my birthday however, I wanted to do something special or hang out with ppl I considered special. Well... things didn't go quite the way I expected. I received a total of 8 smses from ppl that wish me a happy birthday. And no one asked me out, so I slept at home till 7 pm. Woke up for 1 hr but felt it was pretty ptless and miserable, so I crawled back into bed and slept till my birthday was over. Best of all, no one in my family actually remembered it was my birthday.

I guess I m not angry or disappointed at anyone. I m not a very sociable person and can keep ppl at arm's length. Someone once told me that I m not a social butterfly and that don't expect others to respond or be nice to u. I know it is true and somehow though I felt that my birthday was spent with the least meaning, I felt at peace with myself. Looking myself in the mirror, I think I m going to grow old abandon and alone like those that frequent the news headlines. I don't need pity. I m tougher than that and these things can't get me down.

Deep inside, I have come to accept certain things in life. I know what I want, but yet I know the things I want is hard to achieve. I will try my best, but if all else fails, at least I know that I tried.

Missing a family member

2005-10-30T07:54:00.000+08:00

Weeks ago I was told by my mom that our maid Nikam is returning back to her country on the 30th of October. She has been with us for the past 4 years and have played an important role in our family. It's kind of sad that she has left us, but we are also happy that she is going back to be with her family and friends in Indonesia.

4 years ago, she came to Singapore in search of an oppurtunity to earn some money for her family. She is of a small stature and like most of our previous domestic helpers, looked very simple. However, it may be because of that that she is so diligent and thrifty. She is always up very early to make breakfast for us and sweeping the floor or feeding the pets. She would keep the house spick and span and kept everything in order. When she first arrived, she did not speak any english and it took some time for her to pick up the langauge. Fortunately, she managed to learn the basics and made communication alot more convenient. Because of the country she came from, she was not accustomed to the food we eat. She would think that the food is very bland as their diet there was very salty. So she added soya sauce to her rice and food. Her cooking was a tad too salty for our taste, and my dad taught her how to cook. Slowly, she learnt to appreciate our food.

During the time when my sister was pregnant with my nephew, Nikam was there to make life more comfortable by meeting her needs. This is no mean feat since my sister has a horrible attitude. She was also there to look after my nephew during his infant days. My mom took leave in the 1st few weeks to look after my nephew, and Nikam was there to help warm the milk at 3 am in the morning. I think, she made life alot more easier for both of them.

Then there was the time that my dad was badly hurt from a fall and under went surgery. Times were bad then, with most of us having to divert our focus from our daily work to look after my dad. I had to leave halfway during my projects and lessons to go to the hospital, while my mom and sis took time off from work. We were all exhausted and frightened and Nikam took care of the house so that we could concentrate on other things.

For me, I am a person who doesn't show emotions easily. I think I am pretty easy going and don't really demand alot of things. However, I do change clothings very frequently with the number of showers I take each day. Furthermore, the sports I do can make washing my clothes a chore. The number of clothes I change out of each day rivals that of the my whole family combined. For the past 3 months, I have been staying in the hostel. I wash my own clothes during the weekdays, but I will bring back some clothes that I did not wash on friday nights after training. She is usually there to help me movemy stuff from the car into the house, despite the time I reach home. Despite all these, I never really expressed my gratitude to her.

Our family treated her like part of the family and I think my parents treats her like a daughter. She helps my mom with most of the domestic stuff, while my mom helps her tailor clothes. During festive seasons, alot of relatives visit our house and she would help to prepare the food and keep the place clean. However, my parents would give her a red packet during chinese new year. The amount they give is comparable to that given to my and my sister. She is so likeable that some of our relatives too treat her part of the family and give her money.

So when the eve of her departure came, we all had dinner together at home with my dad, mom, sister, brother-in-law, me and my nephew. We talked, we ate, we laughed. There was an air of sadness behind all these. My mom gave her a green packet as the Hari Raya Pausa was approaching and also as a thank you gift to her. Last night, I did not sleep. Partially, I was studying for my exams. The other part was because I felt sad. She was leaving early in the morning at 8 to catch a ferry to Batam then a flight home. And I was afraid that I would oversleep and not say my farewells. My parents slept early so that they could wake up early.

Morning came, and all of us are up early on a Sunday morning. She brewed coffee for us and packed her belongings and got ready to leave. We were all sad and she said her good byes. My mom told her to call us once she reached home using the handphone my mom bought for her. Somehow, our dogs kind of understood the sadness in the air and were rather down. They did not even want to eat their bread and just lay around. After some photo taking, she loaded her stuff into the car and my dad sent her to catch the ferry. My mom is crying in the living room downstairs, while tears are starting to well up as I m typing this entry. All I can say is that we are very fortunate to have such a good helper and a member in our family. I truly wish that she lead a happy life and will continue to keep in contact with us.

Bon voyage

Compulsive Obsessive Weight Loss Disorder

2005-09-30T12:40:00.000+08:00

I recall that I weighed only 73 kg during IVP period. Back then I did not even try but the weight just started to shed by itself. I was feeling great and people said that I looked better then. However, over the last few months, somehow the fats started to have a conference and decided that they wanted to move back in. So from the slim 73 kg, I started to grow... to the horrific size of 78kg. I feel fat, I feel Lethargic, I feel ugly. Then again, I have always been ugly... LOL....

Ok, so there have been lotsa commercials and hype about various no pain, no diet, no surgery methods to lose weight and shed fats. One of them being slimming programs by "branded" health spas. The others being fat burning pills & even cosmetic surgery. If i had the money, I won't mind considering the 1st or the 3rd option. However, being the poor student that I m, I chose to try out the diet pills. hahaha... must be thinking that I m crazy... Well... maybe I m alittle obsessed. I went to look at the various products available on the market and read them alittle. However, I dun really know wat was good and effective. Anyway, I asked my roommate to buy the pills for me, since he is so skinny, no one will suspect they were for him. Lol.... evil right?

So I have been on the programme for almost 1 week, and I dunno if there is any effect at all apart from the more frequent visits to the toilet... hahaha... I guess I have to finish all 60 pills to determine whether or not it works. I hope that it is as miraculous as it is made to be, but I have my own doubts. Of course, I m still exercising and training. Maybe I shd move to USA and write in to join Extreme makeover. Maybe I might look like a superstar. ahahaha...

Long time no see 好久不见

2005-09-25T02:16:00.000+08:00

This is the seconds wedding dinner I have attended in the past 1 week. Seems like everyone around me is getting married. Needless to say, I m happy for them all and I m surprised that I actually enjoyed myself. Maybe it's because these weddings are that of friends rather than relatives. Guess most of those single people out there understands the agony of attending weddings of relatives. Aunties and Uncles will start to ask so when is your turn? Got steady or not? That kind of things... sigh...

Anyway, tonite was the joyous occasion of one of my army friend. He sent me the invitation weeks ago and I noted it down in my handphone, but somehow I actually forgot that today was the day. It was my mum that reminded me of it. Lol... Guess too many things going on in my mind right now that I keep forgetting stuff. As usual for a saturday evening, the traffic into town was horrid. I spent almost 40 mins getting to the place and trying to find a parking lot. Moving on, it has been years since I met these Army friends of mine. We gone through alot of crap during our time as medics in the medical centre. The senior medic Amy Lau was the most unreasonable and crappy hag out there. But thanx to her, the bunch of us were so united as we found a common enemy and helped each other out to make life a living hell for her. Hahaha... those were the days.

I was glad to see many of those guys who were like brothers to me. We talked and joked and updated each other on how we are. Glad to see that most of them were doing fine. Rather surprising was that Edwin(the guy getting married) actually got us to help out for the wedding. We helped with the table arrangement and one of the guys was the MC for the night. Even Dr Khoo was invited to the wedding. I think he was one of the nicest medical officers during my stay at the medical centre. He helped us out when we got into trouble with the senior medic.

Earlier in the day, Edwin messaged us saying that we will be activated on stage to help in the wine toasting. I was like thinking "oh no"... It's one of those things which I did not like and do not do during wedding dinners. But when the time came, the bunch of us medics and medical doctor, went gamely onto the stage and yelled our lungs out all in the name of friendship. Hahaha... well... it turned out pretty ok...

So the dinner went pretty enjoyable with lotsa chatting and exchange of contacts. I was pleased to see Yung, one of my understudies at the medical centre at that time. I did not expect to see him as we lost contact after I completed my NS. Too bad he was sitting at the next table and we did not have chance to speak till 3/4 into the night. I must say that he looks alot better than he did years ago, not to say that he look bad then.

We mingled and stayed till the end of the dinner, and helped out alittle after all the guest left. Then there was a photo taking session for the bunch of us. It was a great time I must say. After that, a few of us went to a club call Timbre near the old NLB for a drink and to chill out. There was a live performance and the lady belting out songs was pretty impressive. The ambience was not super fantastic due to the table that we were sitting, but I think it is not too bad a place to hang out with friends. One thing though, the music is all english, so those that only listen to mandarin songs might be alittle disappointed. The night ended after a long chat session and drinks. I m tired but the events of the night seems to spur me on.

Just as the song 好久不见 by 5566 goes, it's a long time since we met. The memories that have long been left at the back of our minds, suddenly woke and ignite a fire within us once again. (^^,)

The good & the bad

2005-09-11T00:58:00.000+08:00

School has started for more than 7 weeks and it is time for the term break. I look forward to this term break as a time for me to do some catching up in my studies. It is also a time when I can just pick up my things and say "Why not go blading at the spur of the moment". This year's term break is also the time for our annual Taekwondo initiation, "Ultimate Challenge".

This year's UC was planned to commence on the 9th of September with an overnight camp and the run to be done in the late afternoon of the 10th. Usually, the seniors will be asked or invited to this yearly event as station masters or as senior support. Most other seniors received their invitations 2 weeks back but I did not. Instead, I was approached to cover first aid just last Friday. I m not keen on doing safety every year because of
(1) The responsibilities involved in being a first aider.
(2) I m more interested to be a station master or be attached for the run itself.
(3) I had a horrible experience with the previous year's organising committee for their lack of commitment and responsibility.

Anyway, the club's president asked me if i can help them to cover safety, and i told him my concerns regarding the issue. I told him of the problems I experienced last year and also my interest in running more than sitting in a van. In addition, I told him that there were many people in the club that have first aid certs or are qualified to carry out first aid. He told me that he cant find anyone else and that he assured me that all the items i need will be prepared beforehand and that history will not repeat itself. So on Tuesday I told him that I want them to prepare the first aid kit items and let me check through and tell them what I needed. He agreed and so I agreed.

So came Friday, I went down for training earlier than normal and went to check the first aid items. I noticed that theold expired items in the kit was removed and replaced by new ones. But I also noticed that the basic bandages and sterile gauze are not present. Hence, I told Cailing about it and she said that Adeline has already prepared the items. I told her that the basic stuff that is to be in a first aid kit is missing and that it must be prepared. Yet she insist that the things are to be left that way. I felt that there was no point in talking on about it and went to carry out my own training. Later on, Adeline came and tell me that Cailing told her about the issues I brought up and that she will go purchase the items at the Mart immediately. So I thought things were fine. Then she called and say that she can't get the items from the school's mart and that she would go get them outside at once. The next thing I knew was that she said that she will do it tommorrow.

10th september

I got to school and went to look for the others. Expecting things to be already prepared and ready, I just went to catch up with some of my friends. It was at around 3.30 that I chanced upon the first aid kit and to my horror the things I asked for were not prepared. I asked Adeline if she has gotten the items i requested for, and her reply was a quick "No time to buy".
So I asked the president(Junming) about it, and he said that Adeline was incharge and he thought things were prepared. Cailing passed by and said that they did not have time to buy and that it was 1 hour to starting the run. She ask me to make do with the current items available. The issues to me is that
(1) Proper first aid cannot be provided if the situation occurred.
(2) Why tell me that everything will be prepared but not done.
(3) I was told that u have no time, but I see u watching movie in the badminton hall.

If safety was so important to u guys in the 1st place, why is it that things are done sub standard? If it is not important to u, then why bother to even ask about safety? For such events, you all have already avoided the problem by not even getting professionals to do the job(with ambulance and medical team). And now basic necessities are not fulfilled, so what's the purpose? To just put on a show that u have covered ur own ass? Do they even know the dangers and liabilities on have to risk to cover first aid for such events?

Integrity - LOL... what integrity? She told me that I have to make do with things, which I think is not the proper thing to do. Then she said to me, "If u find it such an issue, then I will pull u out of the safety coverage." Is that a threat? Oh please, grow up... I already don't want to do it with such attitude from u guys. Instead of rectifying the issues, u make it sound to everyone that I m in the wrong and that I m the bad person. I told her straight that I m not interested to do safety and that if they cannot fulfil something, then don't promise it. What the fuck is all these rubbish u don't want, I don't want blah blah blah....

I feel that often, I m not appreciated and that I m taken for granted or just as a pawn. No one has ever thought that I was good or was any use at all. No one in the club thought that I was a good fighter, or good at pattern. No one felt I was good in anything... No one.... I come into the picture everytime when they left out something... and when I put my neck on the line, thats all people care. Cos it is not their lives they are risking, nor is it important to them... I m tired of all these... I drove my car home and I slept for hours and hours. I had this urge to kick someone or something or just drive down to the beach and blade my troubles away. Maybe I m too emotional and take things too heavily, but some things are important to me. People just don't understand it and I won't bother to explain further. Right now, I sit in front of my laptop typing away... I feel like crying and I want a shoulder to cry upon. Not just for the problems regarding UC, but also my personal life and my work. I know that there is no shoulder there and I hold back my feelings so often that sometimes I think I m becoming a machine, unable to express my feelings. Guess it all doesn't matter... No one will understand, all my hatred and anger, my sorrow and my fears. I m just misunderstood. sigh...

The day of reckoning

2005-08-29T00:40:00.000+08:00

It's 28th of August 2005. The day of reckoning for me and for many others who are fighting the 2005 National Taekwondo Tournament. I was still hesitating whether or not to fight today. I decided that I will wake up early in the morning, get ready all my belongings and head for the stadium and make up my mind later. So I reached the stadium late, worried that I would miss Lisa's match against Huixian. Fortunately, I made it just in time to watch the wonderful performance both fighters put up.

People were asking me if I was fighting, and my answer was a "I Dunno". Time passed and bouts went by 3 by 3. It was a rather worrying sight. I continued to hesitate from 9 am till 12 pm. I spoke to many people and asked for their opinion on whether I should fight or not. Generally, there were 2 groups of people.

1. The group that thinks that since I signed up, I should fight.
2. The group that thinks that fighting Men's Heavier Cat without much mental n physical preparation is suicidal.

I m to a small extend happy that 1 group thinks that I m capable of winning, but I m also happy that another group is honest and give me some sound advice. However, being the procrastinator that I m, I still couldn't make up my mind.

Yunping weighed the pros and cons of fighting to me, so did Shiyun. Seeing all the hype and raging hormones around me, the urge to fight started to overwhelm me. So under the persuasion of people, I decided to change into my Gi and warm up and think of whether or not to fight later. But as we all know, once we take the 1st step, that's it already. I went to warm up with Junhong, and I must say that my kicks were not too bad today though not the best. With more urges and pushes by various people, I started to psyche myself up for the upcoming tournament. One major obstacle standing in my path was that there were comments that my opponent is very strong. Indeed, he looked very scary with that shaved head of his and his not so Singaporean look.

Anyway, since I have decided to fight, I did some light warm up before going to register for the bout. I was not going to let him walk over me without a fight. So with my pathetic excuse for preparation, I strode towards the arena. Each feeling like the last steps of my impending doom. LOL..... very drama hor? I also think so... I spoke to my opponent Chady while waiting for the match, and found out that he was from London and has been in Singapore for less than 2 months. He was rather friendly and I learnt that he was supposedly going to take part in the University Games in London (sort of like IVP). This kinda worried me as that meant he was an experienced fighter. Anyway, it was too late to withdraw from the fight already, so there goes nothing....

I told myself that I was fast and that I m like the wind and that I was stronger than him. That's the usual thing I tell myself before a fight. Anyway, I played it cool in my 1st round as we were both testing each other's strengths and weaknesses. I took the initiative to attack and found that I was actually fast enough to connect the kicks, but my accuracy was rather off. It was a rather uneventful 1st round. The second round, I still wasn't in the right mind set and my opponent took the oppurtunity available and started to attack. I was caught unguarded as he kept attacking and pushing me back. Fortunately, his accuracy was just as bad as mine and most of his kicks did not score. However, I let my guard down and he went for my head and it scored. The kick made my already minimal confidence dropped to non-existent. I started to hesistate too much and not launch my kicks properly. I was actually thinking that if I had kicked, I would have scored that bugger too. But my nerves got the better of me. And that allowed him to score my head a couple of times more. In the end, it was a pathetic excuse for putting up a resistance against him.

I came out, feeling rather horrid with people asking me what I was doing inside the arena. I know that I could have done alot better and I could have won if I kept my calm. He wasn't all that good, just that he was more aggressive. I could only blame myself for thinking too much and not relaxing. If only... if only... if only....

All these excuses were too late. I feel rotten in a way that I disappointed many people, but most of all, I disappointed myself. I now realised y no one has ever approached me to coach them. It was because I just did not have that instinct or mentality to overcome problems. Who to blame but myself? The worst thing was that the fight I put up was pathetic. I was an easy target for him... The only thing good that came out of this was that I had minimal injuries with only a bruised ankle.

Anyway, I stayed and watched the rest of the matches and I was happy to see that Lizi, Audrey, Lisa, Yunping, Soo ee, Chee wei, Arif, etc... all put up an amazing fight. Audrey who has not accomplished much in previous tournament, pushed her way against all odds and eventually won the silver medal. I was proud of her for her determination and courage. I kinda hoped that I had that mental strength. Sigh.... Lizi and the others too did very well and brought glory back to the school.

With all these said, I feel an urge within me to improve on my skills. I do not want to hesitate both before and during a match and regret it after it is over. I want to improve my skills such that my future opponents will be the one hesistating whether to fight me or not. I want to improve my skills such that others will recognise that I m a good fighter. I want to make use of this feelings to overcome my mental barriers and improve my self confidence. I want to make use of this determination to lose weight and tone up. I want to lose the old me, and regain a new confident and well-loved me.

I hope that I can keep this will-power within me now going for a long time. I want to be seen in a totally different light and be respected. Hahaha... my mind is made up. From now on, I will not eat supper unnecessarily. I will make an effort to go running at least 1x a week, I will put my heart into training, I will go to the gym 1x a week, I will try to go blading on weekends if possible. I will... I will... I will... I must... I must.... I must.... I can... I can... I can...

Anyway, today was a good experience and a wake up call for me. History shall never repeat itself on me.

Some Shocking News

2005-08-27T00:21:00.000+08:00

It was 8 am in the morning when my handphone went off. In my disorientated state, I read an sms about a friend, about someone passing away, about attending a wake. I thought that a friend's family member passed away and that someone was informing me that they would be attending the wake. With that, I slept till it was around 12 pm and I woke to start to do my projects and assignment. I reread the sms and found out that a JC aquaintance passed away yesterday. This shocked me as I did not expect someone my age to just leave like that. Actually, I have when a University friend of mine was knocked down by a car while cycling back to school.

Anyway, what really shocked me was that I found out he died due to suicide. Though the idea of death and released has passed through my mind before, I never really had that courage or insanity to commit it. Come to think of it, if I had the courage, it would be freaking scary if you are reading this updated blog of mine. So to someone who has the courage to jump off the top of the building without harness, I guess he was at his limits and had no idea where or who to turn to. But then, it doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

So, I met a few JC friends and paid our respects to him at the wake. We were not close to this guy, and we were all at a lost of words to say at the funeral. I did not feel particularly sad nor was I emotionless, just did not know wat to feel at that time. Maybe I m a beast in human skin. I dunno....

I realised that there were many people at the wake, mostly friends he made in primary, secondary, JC, Army and most of all University. In my mind I was thinking that he doesn't realise how fortunate he is that there are so many people that consider him as a friend and maybe more. Problems are not to be dealt alone, rather, they should be shouldered upon the backs of family and friends. Each of us carry the burden and sorrows not just of our own, but also that of others. However, problems of others will never bog us down, while our own problems are actually lighten with the presence of friends.

Anyhow, we all left for home after staying there staring into blank space for half an hour. It was a weird night. One that is to be remembered of a friend and not of his foolish acts.

Days of my life

2005-08-25T02:07:00.000+08:00

It was Tuesday again, which meant training day. After a whole day of lessons and project discussion, I was finally geared to go for training. I was rather early and started to talk with shifu and some others who were like me(nothing to do). Lol... Anyway, we went through the standard stuff and I partnered with Lisa. She is a good partner who knows how to motivate me and at the same time correct my mistakes. Unfortunately for me, my determination is alittle faltering as I once again slacked at one corner. So time went by and I was rather envious that those that are fighting nationals are training so hard. I wished that I had the mental strength to overcome my fear of my opponent and actually train to battle. It was only when time was almost up that I decided to do some non-contact sparring with some guy from elsewhere. I think I did pretty ok, but not fantastic though. I know it wasn't a fair match as I was much lighter than him and my speed is faster than him. So though I felt great having at least a chance of scoring, I knew that this was not going to be the case during nationals itself. Dilemma.....................................................................................................................................

24th August 2005

I am starting to feel bogged down by all my work. I know that I have alot of catching up to do and that I have not been extremely productive. However, I have been meeting various groups of people everyday of the week to do projects, even Sundays. Some of them I enjoy, others I find to be a drag. This is especially the case for my M464 Design group. Things are just not progressing as I hoped to do due to 1) Difficulties in Communicating (1 China, 1 Indonesian, 2 Singaporeans) ; 2) Destructive Suggestions by the China guy. Omg.... super turn off....

All I know is that I sit down infront of my laptop, knowing that I have lecture notes to read through and tutorials to do, yet I m typing away at some project presentation slides as well as preparing for the next day's discussion material. I feel so burnt out.

In addition, my love life isn't that smooth sailing. I feel lonely and kinda tired. My roomie sensed this and we had a heart to heart talk tonite. I m very glad to have known Weiming as a friend who is willing to lend a listening ear even when I know he is dozing off. Hahaha.... Anyhow, I just hope that I will find that someone imperfect to complete my imperfect life so that we can one day become 1 perfect unity. :P

Ok, enough of my whining and complaining. I know there are people out there suffering more than I do and that they need more help. So I should just pick myself up and move on with life. I wan others to see me as the spark in their lives and not be the dull grey spot that tarnishes their memories. :)

21st August 2005

2005-08-22T01:38:00.000+08:00

I was feeling rather bored for the past few days. No one was really available to ask me out or for me to ask out. Wanted to call a good friend of mine out, and so did she, but I guess our timings were pretty off. hahaha... Anyway, today i woke up feeling all tired despite sleeping at 11 pm the night before. I was actually hoping to just stay at home and laze around, but I had to meet 2 of my project mates to discuss on our assignment. But come to think of it, they were sort of entertainment to me during my dark hours of utter boredom. Hahaha...

Moving on, the day was pretty chilling and it was pretty nice sitting in a rather quiet coffee house, sipping coffee as i stared out of the window, seeing the raindrops run down the glass panel. I had the oppurtunity to do so as the 2 of them were late. So, our project discussion carried on as per norm, and it was rather nice that we were actually progressing forth. Somewhere during this period, we digressed to other topics and it turned out to a men's talk kinda thing. hahaha...

So after all that mind bogging work, we parted our ways and I went home to shower and got ready to leave and meet my JC friends. This was kinda like our weekly gathering cum sending off party for Yile who is flying off to China for an exchange programme. Thank goodness we were not meeting at AMK cause i juse returned from there. Anyhow, we did the usual shopping then headed for some place to have dinner. We crapped, we talked, we joked and we stoned, our usual way of spending time.

As we sat and talk, the topic of nationals came up. They were asking when I was fighting and I proclaimed that I wasn't fighting due to facing a national fighter in my 1st round. I understand the concerns involved in me not being prepared for this year's nationals yet writing my name down. However, 1 and a half months ago, I thought that I was capable of more than this. I thought I was able to put up a decent fight and maybe even progress forth in the competition. I would like everyone to take notice of me and actually treat me seriously than just a joke. Sigh, I trained hard for pattern for IVP, and I think that I m pretty average in the club, but no one ever noticed or thought highly of me. Hence this time round, I trained with Big Nic and I trained my backtrust back at home and in hall everyday. I was hoping that my training would be sufficient enough to help me. However, I guess I was wrong. Maybe my mentality is wrong and maybe I just don't have what it takes to excel in anything in life. I think I should just treat this as all a sport and a means of relaxation rather than as something competitive. I mean, I was never good to start of with no matter how hard I trained. Even during my peak, my skills were just mediocre.

Anyway, enough of me feeling inferior. I have 1 more week left. Either I throw in the towel now and forget about everything, or I pull my socks up and train extra hard these few days and hope that I don't get knocked out or break another bone. If my choice is the latter, my only aim is to do my best and hope to put up a decent fight. But for now, it's time that I sleep on the problem and wake up with a decision.

To Fight or Not to Fight.

2005-08-20T04:34:00.000+08:00

I started to stray from my training, and lost focus somewhere. Everyone else improved while I deproved, and it did not feel good. I wanted to take part in this year's Nationals as a proof and acknowledgement that i can achieve more. So I signed up to fight, but then I lacked the training and skill at this moment. Everyone else taking part seems to be all hyped up and ready, except me. I thought that I may have the chance to redo my feat during IVP but, somehow something is not right. The feeling is missing. Then, the boutlist came out and my 1st opponent is gonna be 1 of 2 national fighters. I was advised not to fight either of them as I was likely to be badly injured. In terms of skill, I know I m not up to standard and I think it is best that I give up. But on the other hand, I do not like the feeling of giving up. Last friday, I fought with Jianfa during training and was totally demoralised when he constantly kicked my head while I was unable to retaliate. It just went to show how weak I really was and who was I to fight against national players.

Next week is the competition itself, and the question of whether to fight or not continues to linger in my ear. My mind is being rationale and telling me to just forfeit the match, while my heart is telling me to go for something i want and believe in. Who should I listen to??

Recap of my life in NTU TKD

2005-08-15T03:43:00.000+08:00

I have been in NTU TKD for quite some time and I must say that I enjoy the sport and I enjoy some of the friends I have made over these 3 years.

In my 1st year, I was a novice who had no experience sparring and it was actually a big leap that I fought for the school during IVP. I trained hard, but my lack of experience was a hindrance and I think that I did pretty badly even though I got a silver medal (out of sheer luck). I cried on the day of the competition after fighting my final opponent. Everyone came up to me saying that I put up a great fight and that I should not be sad. Truth be told, it was not tears of sadness. Rather, it was tears of relieve, of accomplishment, of joy. I never expected to even go pass my first opponent, furthermore get a silver medal. My final opponent was so much stronger than I was and I was in so much pain that the notion of giving up halfway was so great. But my coach spurred me on and I fought the whole 3 rounds, which just pushed me over the edge. It was during this year, that I made many friends, some that I cherish alot, others I THOUGHT I cherished. But I guess it was a test for me to determine who were my real friends. I think it was my happiest time in the club, where everything look so innocent to me. Anyway, there was this event which made me very touched and that I would remember forever a long time to come. On my 21st birthday, there was actually an IVP training camp and that I expected myself to be training hard for the upcoming tournament. However, on the eve of my birthday, my good friends from JC actually came all the way from their homes all over Singapore to NTU campus with a birthday cake and celebrated that special day with me. I was completely overwhelmed and never really expected that they would do that. It was so out of the way for all of them and yet they remembered and made the effort. This goes to show the true meaning of friends.

Anyway, I got 1 year older and got more senior in the club. There were some things that happened during the 2nd year committee selection that kinda changed certain opinion of friends. Skipping that event, I focused alot more on training my skills and I think I improved alot during my 2nd year. I trained 4 days a week with various people and I actually believed that I would do alot better than the previous year during IVP. I guess I got my head stuck too high up in the clouds with comments from seniors saying that I should be able to make it pretty far in the competition. I got my friends to come down to support me during the tournament, but I failed to put up a good show and was knocked out by my 2nd opponent. It was so embarassing and a painful experience. I did so badly that my morale was at a complete low for weeks after that. By now, most of the friends I made in my 1st year have left the club. The number of friends around me started to dwindle and it did not help me at all. It took me quite some time to straighten out my thoughts.

Yet another year passed, and I told myself that I shall take things easy with life and not let things affect me. I came down, I trained, I went home. My interaction with people started to diminish and I felt lonely to a certain extent. It was during this year that I told a fellow friend of my attraction. However, things turned downhill ever since and our friendship seem to have failed the test of time and truth. At this junction, It was time to go for black belt grading and i felt that I have put in more effort than most people and have the standard. Feeling confident, I took the test and to my surprise, I failed miserably. That event completely shattered my passion and love for the sport. I kept everything to myself since then and hated things and people around me. Things did not improve. During this year's IVP, I was once again rejected from the Black belt pattern team. I felt that I put in consistent effort and have trained more than many of the others that made it into the squad. I did not think I was so imcompetent to that extent but, I was proved wrong. I was really at the rock bottom of my life. I did not feel like training, I did not feel like talking to anyone. I hated the world. The last time I shed my tears due to sadness was in Junior College year 1 and it was something I was not proud of. It was during this period that I once again shed my tears. I thought that I will never be so saddened for such a thing to occur, but it did. 2 months passed before I managed to pull myself out of the slumps. Even then, I was not the same person I used to be. I barely trained and did not want to fight for IVP that year. I just trained and kept to myself.

Eventually, it was time to make the decision whether to fight or not to fight. And I had mixed feelings, knowing that my emotions are still a wreck and my lack of training would put myself in danger versus the rush of adrenaline. It was a deal that if i fight will, a fellow friend of mine also fight that made me put my name down on the list. I wanted that friend of mine to actually take part in the tournament. So we trained, but even on the day of competition itself, I still had doubts of myself. Yunping, being my coach encouraged me and warmed up with me before my 1st match. I told myself that I shall treat the whole event as a game and just have fun in the arena. And surprisingly, I did alot better than everyone and I expected, got into the finals and eventually got a silver medal. I was happy that I made it so far and was thankful that my coach had faith in me despite me expressing feelings of giving up during my match against my 1st opponent. After all these hoo haa, I come to look at things and wonder if it was such a big deal. No one actually remembers me or thinks highly of me. Not even myself.

Final Year in NTU

2005-08-07T03:29:00.000+08:00

With the moving in of hostel done, it was time for me to settle down and concentrate on my studies, or so I told myself. Indeed, I was very hard working for the 1st 2 weeks of the new semester, with me going for lectures, tutorials, and constantly e-mailing my FYP supervisor regarding the project. But as days passed, I find myself sleeping later at night and waking up later in the day. Hehehe...

Eventually, there are days where i completely missed most of the lessons and just stayed in my room to do my other stuff or meeting project mates up to discuss on the pending assignments. I hate being a slacker, but there are times where I fail to push myself to the limit. I know that I m not stupid and I know that I can accomplish more than just the current things, which is equals to noth, zilt, konok, duck egg, zero.

In addition, my current timetable is horrid. Due to my lack of self-discipline, i have managed to "da bao" or fail a few subjects in my course of study. Hence, when most of my friends are taking only 5 modules this semester and have tonnes of time to do their projects and still sit down for a drink, I have to cope with 8 modules with my Tuesdays & Wednesdays running from 830 to 630 with only 1 hour of break.

I wish I have the time to actually go out and exercise and enjoy myself. Anyway, I decided that I m going to work hard and catch up with my friends, at the same time enjoy my final year in school.

Moving into Hostel

2005-07-31T03:14:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... how come i so lazy. So long never update my blog? I also dunno y lei.... Must be I too nuah. Anyway, since so much time has past, guess there is little point in talking about it. So i shall move on to things that are more recent.

A new semester has started and I just received news that i have been allocated a space in hostel for the coming academic year. Though it is not my 1st time staying in hall, I had my reservations. I have gotten too used to living in the comfort of my own room, which has the essential Air-Con and the convenient supply of food in the fridge. Furthermore, staying in hall also meant that there is less of a reason for me to drive the car to school and to make use of it as and when I liked. Sad, but I think I m pretty pampered. However, I want to stay in hall partially because of academic reasons.

Fortunate for me, or should I say unfortunate for me, my room mate happens to be a pretty good friend of mine. Being a procrastinator who is easily swayed, I relented and decided to accept the hostel room. Later I realised that my roomie had an ulterior motive, he did not want the hall office to allocate to him another room mate that might end up to be an Indian or even worse "ah tiong". Haha... So that was how I finally end up staying in hall in my final year in NTU.

ER

2005-03-03T23:33:00.000+08:00

So there i was, lying on the bed wearing those really ugly robes u see on TV. I was very nervous, not knowing what to expect. The guy on the bed next to mine was being wheeled off, while the nurses went about their stuff. Despite the plenty of sleep the night b4, i felt sleepy now, yet the unnerving feeling kept me awake. Then the nurse came to my bed and said that it was time. I gave her a smile to hide my uneasiness.

As i laid down on the bed, all i could see was the ceiling lights that whizzed passed. Finally after what seemed like eternity, I was at the entrance of the operating theatre. In the holding bay of the theatre, I continued to wait as the patient before me had some kind of delay. That did not help me at all, knowing that I was next. I started to crap with the nurse and the doctor to put myself at a more comfortable position.

Alas, I was wheeled in, and they were very efficient in getting me onto the metal bed. So cold and the short operating robes covered so little. But that was the least of my worries, as they started to prepare to put me to sleep. I should have been used to the sight of the intravenous needle and the solution as my NS vocation was a medic. However, it kinda creeped me out. The anethesia was administered and I started to joke around with the nurses n doctor. Soon, all i remembered was my vision blurring and me falling into a deep slumber.

Next time i recalled was an extreme pain in my throat. It was excruciating and it lasted for quite some time. I was like wondering, shdnt my hand be hurting? But y is it that my throat hurt more than my hand. I soon found out they were sucking out the saliva in my mouth. It was this pain that shook me from my sleep.

Then like a flash, i was being wheeled to my ward (one that had no aircon, no tv and full of ppl)

Inter Varsity Polytechnic

2005-03-01T02:08:00.000+08:00

It's THAT time of the year again, where we go out there to throw ourselves in the midst of danger all in the name of glory. Guess some of u shd know wat i m talking abt - Taekwondo IVP. Hahaha... I must say that i m so not prepared this yr, not really having the mood n attitude to train due to certain reasons. In fact, I was still contemplating whether i wanted it, till a friend who also had the same feelings spurred me on. We dared each other to take part in the competition. Hahaha... also hor... this yr's IVP jacket looks nice... gotta collect them all (pokemon).

Anyway, i was so not prepared both physically n mentally that i just slacked my way thru even on the day the competition. Having this attitude that since i will not make it pass the 1st round, might as well take a nap, which i did. Even my coach was a last minute thing, not having really the chance to train with me.

My tactics was basically to see my opponent's style n maybe i react from there, taking things easy. Who was to know that my 1st opponent was a wild boar, who kept punching me. I felt like giving up after round 1, cos i felt like i was being bull dozed by a truck... But somehow my coach "ignored" my big round eyes of pleas... Hahaha.... Anyway, i got pissed n kicked his head... and somehow i made it pass my 1st opponent. After i got out of the arena, i felt horrible. No... not cos i kicked my opponent's head and felt guilty, but cos i had huge bruises the size of antartica all over my body and a broken left hand.

So under the company of a friend, i went to the hospital after midnight. We waited n waited n waited, saw many interesting emergency cases and continued to wait. Finally after more than 3 hrs in the A&E, they told me i had a fracture that would require surgery... I looked stunned...
Anyway, my escapades at the hospital shall be covered in future entries.... But it was an interesting turn of events from disappointment, to hatred, to a silver medal. Though i may have gained a silver medal, i still do feel disappointed (some of u shd know y) and i must say that i lost alot more than i have gained. Despite so, i think that i dun regret the decisions i have made.